My Story About Shifting from "Busy" Back To Myself
I am just trying to do everything and I want to do it all perfectly.
This means my plate is often too full. When people ask me how I’ve been, I’ll likely use the word “busy” as a response. "Busy" seems like an answer that captures the endless to-do lists, the places to be, and the many people that need attending to. It's the answer that shows how I give and give and give until even the snooze button can't rouse me out of the fog that has surrounded my inner life. Suddenly I’m so exhausted that I can't get out of bed in the morning. I am, in fact, perfectly tired.
I wrote these words above about a year ago. Seeing the words on the page showed me that I was in the big race to be "good enough". (This is a race that no one actually signs up for on purpose, by the way). Your non-friendly coach is shame who yells at you from the sidelines about your failings, making fun of your audacity to try, and reminding you about your deep fear of not belonging. This race will not deliver you to the life you want at the finish line. This race will run you right into a wall.
Our culture feeds us messages about how we should look, the things we should have, and ultimately how we should feel about the lives we have built. The expectations are so high. The message is to do everything, be good at all of it, and don't let your guard down because you're FINE. But what if you look around at the life you have created and see that it looks good on the outside, but it doesn't feel so good on the inside?
This idea of being FINE is a warning call. It's your way of knowing that despite all appearances, you are out of balance. You're truly not okay. You are depleted. Spent. Done.
A life packed with image and business can lead to aching dissatisfaction. When we jam our lives so full that there is no longer room for creativity, self-care, and space we undoubtedly will suffer. So how do we get back to center? How do we undo what we have built so that we can return to ourselves and begin again?
This is where our journey starts. Together we will look inward to decide how to show up in this world with our whole hearts. Navigating how to be both soft and fierce at the same time. Stop watches and unattainable to-do lists have no place here. We now look inward for direction and guidance. We choose our own way.
My new way has been to move slower. Pausing regularly to get clear about my intentions and carefully choosing how to spend my time. This has meant that I've had to learn to say NO to many things. Though my desire to people please is still present, the process of choosing myself again and again has been rewarding. It's deepened my relationships and reinforced my work life. The connection to myself opens space for everything else in my heart. I'm learning that busy doesn't feel like love (it never has), it feels like tension.
The path home has been a re-introduction to myself. I'm reflecting on who I have become or perhaps who I've always been before "busy" got a hold of me. There is no more perfect. In its place there is a well worn path back home to myself. I'm settling in and rising up all at the same time. I hope that you'll join me in this movement. Truly, it feels like home.