Category: Self-Care

Girl, Put Your Mask On: The 4 Layers of Self-Care

8/26/2018

Put Your Mask On.

We are told to take care of ourselves. We are also expected to do all of the things. To begin, maybe we don’t even fully understand what self-care is. Are you telling me to have a spa day? (I don’t have the cash for that). Are you telling me to take a shower? (Uh…that’s necessary and normal, thanks).

So what is self-care? My view of self-care is layered. It starts small and moves out from the center. Self-care is meant to serve you, not to feel like one more thing has been added to your to-do list. The end goal is to feel connected to yourself. When we are well cared for it’s much easier to show up in our lives.

Let’s start with the first layer: basic self-care. Yep, let’s look at your basic human needs. How well are you eating? What is the pace of your day? Are you getting enough rest? Ha! Writing these words reminds me of all of the things I watch out for in my kids. Do you know who is watching out for you? You are. You are taking the reins and learning how to care for yourself like only you can.

I know that basic self-care seems simple, but how often do we not follow a healthy routine? When we’re too busy we often skip meals or grab quick food that doesn’t work sit right with our bodies. We stay up too late and we don’t sleep well. We’re rushing around on empty and gritting our teeth. The mere idea of self-care seems like ONE MORE THING.

But what if self-care was the thing that would influence everything else? When flying on planes with my young kids I used to get annoyed at the flight attendants for telling the adult passengers to put on their oxygen masks first. I thought to myself, “I would never put my mask on without securing my child’s mask first.” However, I then learned what happens when the cabin depressurizes…you pass out. Now imagine you’re unconscious and so are your loved ones, because you didn’t secure your own mask. Put on your mask, Girl!

The next layer of self-care is nurturance. This layer takes us back to ourselves by following practices that feel good. It’s preparing healthy or comforting foods. It’s slowing down to light a candle and soak in the bath. It could be buying yourself flowers simply to have beautiful things around you. This type of self-care is soothing. It reminds us that we’re loved and gives us the idea that we’re going to be okay.

The nurturance also translates to how we speak to ourselves. When we’re hurrying we’re often harsh and impatient. Our inner voice tends to follow that energy and all of a sudden we’re mean. The expectations are high and our level of grace is low. However, when we use the self-care of nurturance we’re slower with ourselves. We soften our voices and trust that we’re doing the best we can. We learn to believe there is enough time and that it’s all going to work out.

Now for the next layer: rest. There are two parts to rest, namely how much rest you’re getting and how much rest is built into your day. Most of us need 7-8 hours of sleep. When we get far less than that our weight, metabolism, health (diabetes, hypertension, mental health), and mortality are impacted. When we don’t get enough rest it’s like walking around with our mask off. If anything tips the scales we’re likely to pass out. This is not good for us or our people.

Now consider how much rest is built into your day. Are you rushing from thing to thing or do you have some pause built into your day? When we’re zooming around our stress levels sky rocket. For me, I start thinking, “There’s not enough time! I have to hurry!” Every thought has an exclamation point. Everything must happen, “NOW!!!!!” When I think in exclamation points I act with exclamation points (this isn’t pretty). It’s like I’ve taken a deep breath and I’m waiting to burst.

However, when I build rest into my day I feel differently. My schedule doesn’t change, but my perspective does. Resting throughout the day for me looks like taking short walks, pausing to breathe, writing myself love notes, eating slowly. Some of the activities might include active rest while others utilize stillness. In your current schedule where might you build in some rest periods into your day? As a bonus to you, here’s a short 7-minute meditation for you to practice.

The final layer of self-care is protection. Your time and energy are incredibly important. You have a light to shine, a purpose to live out, and people to care for. All of your days will be filled up by the work that you do, your family, and your priorities. We choose how to spend our time and with whom. Your time is invaluable. For this reason you need to fiercely protect it. You decide how you will fill your time. No one else gets the power to mess with your schedule.

Protecting your time can be one of the most challenging actions we take. At times it might feel weird to ask ourselves, “What do I want?” Instead of bending to whatever someone else wants us to do. Initially, we may have trouble saying, “No, that doesn’t work for me,” but with time it will happen. Then it will keep on happening, because it will feel so good to be in charge of our own lives.

We’ve moved through each layer of self-care: basic, nurturance, rest, and protection. Take out your schedule or a piece of paper. Write down the four layers and answer the following questions:

What are some basic self-care practices that I can follow every day?

What activities or foods would feel nurturing to me?

What time could I go to bed to get eight hours of sleep? During what parts of my day can I build in moments of rest?

What do I want to focus my time and energy on this week? What things can I say NO to in order to protect my priority?

Once you are clear about how you’ll incorporate self-care into your life, put it into practice. We’re going to do it imperfectly and that’s okay (it’s real life after all). When we focus on loving ourselves all of these practices will begin to feel more natural. Like a sensitive scale, we’ll know when the balance is off and gently return to ourselves. Over and over we’ll come back to self-care so that these practices become the new normal.

You have a light to shine, Love. Make time to take good care of yourself every day. Protect your energy and nurture yourself like only you can. Leave your mask on, Girl. We need you.

Now I’m heading off to lie down on my couch and rest. Maybe you should, too.

With Love and Backbone,

Jen

For access to the short 7-minute meditation, click here.
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Are You Feeling Stuck? Take These 5 Steps To Feel More Aligned

8/16/2018

When we’re out of alignment we feel stuck.

Sometimes we just can’t get into our groove. Nothing sounds good. We can’t get ourselves going. More often than not we know what we’d like to be doing, but we just can’t seem to get there. All of these should-be-doings add to the overwhelming heaviness. We’re stuck.

Simple conversations can turn into an eye-rolling irritating mess. Like are you seriously asking me where I want to eat at? I need food…but I don’t want that…or that…and definitely not that. Sheesh.

Normal tasks make you want to scream and write essays about using blinkers to turn and following state driving laws. Every little thing makes you want to blow your car horn. And your lid.

But really, why would any of these experiences upset you? It’s probably a layer deeper (isn’t it always about something much bigger?). In my experience this answer is always a big YES.

Let’s go through the following 5 steps to help you get unstuck.

Step 1: Examine your surroundings.

When we feel overwhelmed and we’re dragging our feet we need to examine our surroundings. What exactly do you do from sun up to sun down? Close your eyes and visualize a typical day from the moment you rouse yourself from your beauty sleep to when you go back to sleep that night. Think about the places you go. Who do you see? How does each environment feel?

Step 2: Look at your insides.

When you visualized your day did you notice any bodily sensations or emotions? For example, if you pictured yourself driving to work did you notice that your jaw was clenched and your stomach felt tight? When you arrived home and noticed the clutter in your living room did your shoulders become tense and your mood become irritable? Close your eyes and walk through your day again. Pay special attention to how your body responds to each experience. Consider the various emotions that you feel throughout the day. Are any of these emotions heavy? Are they contributing to you feeling stuck?

Step 3: Pay attention.

Now in your real day-to-day life give yourself permission to stay present. Instead of silencing your feelings or engaging in distracting activities, allow yourself to notice your experiences. Good indicators that this is a challenging practice: you find yourself reaching for your phone, you reach out to connect by gossiping, you gulp down coffee or wine as a must-do activity. Not all of these things are bad (most are them are normal activities that most of us do). However, they get in our way when they keep us from paying attention to what’s really going on. They’re activities that help us shush our internal discomfort. Rather than feel what is happening, we often reach for activities or substances that mute our feelings.

Paying attention is the hard part, but this practice is often the very thing that will point us home again. Instead of asking ourselves, “Gosh, what is wrong with me?” We start saying, “Wow, when I’m around this person I feel threatened which makes me feel nervous. I notice that my body wants to shrink and my stomach hurts. When I get home, I’m so tense that I start snapping at the people I love.” We’re moving from going-through-the-motions to self-awareness.

Step 4: Remove the bad vibes from your life.

Okay, so you’ve ran through your typical day and started noticing how certain experiences make you feel. That information is gold on your journey to getting yourself unstuck. As a little girl I can remember telling my dad, “Hey, it hurts when I do this (in which I demonstrated twisting my hand at an awkward angle).” My dad’s sage advice? “Then don’t do that.” Hahaha! Such simple advice, but it’s exactly how we design a life that feels good. If you have people in your life that don’t make you feel good, then learn to minimize your time with them. Say no to invitations and gracefully exit out of conversations with them. If you have to be around this person due to work or family structure, find ways to protect yourself. Don’t engage in questioning that stresses you out and set some clear boundaries around your time and space. Imagine that these bad vibes are sticky. If you don’t protect yourself you’ll carry the stickiness with you and likely get it on other people. The stickier you are the more stuck you’ll feel. Cut the bad vibes out!

Step 5: Do what you love.

My guess if that if you’re feeling stuck you probably aren’t doing things in your day that you love. When we stop doing simple things that remind us of who we are we begin to feel disconnected. This sense of disconnection can often be felt within our relationships, our jobs, and our daily rhythms. It often grows until we feel stuck. This experience makes it impossible to move forward, because we don’t know which direction to go. So if you’re at this particular place of stuck then take an assessment of your self-care. What things make you feel good? What do you love to do? These activities can be as simple as exercising, making nourishing food, or calling a good friend. Blend these self-care activities into your daily routine. Re-connect to YOU so that you can get back into alignment with yourself.

Why is getting into alignment so important?

Alignment brings clarity, creativity, and direction. Outside influence has a great impact on our outlook. When we go to places that feel good and interact with people that are positive, we often absorb this energy. Inner self-work or self-care can shift our whole perspective about our experiences. By engaging in daily self-care we feel connected and centered. A feel good outer experience paired with a loving inner experience often leads to a sense of flow. When the inner world meets the outer world in a synchronized way we enter alignment. Being in alignment will directly influence how we show up in our relationships, with our friends, and our work.

When we learn to pay attention, we are better able to notice what pulls us out of alignment. Is it that person in your social media feed? Unfollow. Is it the negative person at carpool pick-up? Engage someone else in conversation and keep it light. When you tune-in to your intuition you will be able to discern whether something is for you or whether you need to keep on going. Paying attention is the best getting unstuck tool you have. Use it again and again like a muscle that will build up and protect you from getting stuck in the future.

You have all of the tools already within you. Listen to your body and heart. Together they’ll aim to keep you aligned with your true purpose.

With Love & Backbone,

Jen

Here’s another blog post about perfectionism that you may want to read: The Path Home From Perfect: Letting "Busy" Go In Order to Return to Myself

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