If Perception is King, Then Intuition is Queen
I can remember having a conversation with my cousin about what other people think of us and how it impacts our relationships. He was in a period of transition and had just gotten an edgy haircut. I can remember him lamenting about how people may judge him based on his hair. Quickly, I quipped, “We can’t control people’s perception of us.”
Perception is out of our scope of control. We can do and say all of the right things, but other people’s opinions about us are completely their own. They have their own ideas and stories made up already about who we are, how we behave, and what our intentions are.
Instead of trusting ourselves and living our lives, we tend to hustle for approval from outsiders. We want to seem a certain way rather than be who we are. We’ll say “yes” when we don’t want to and we’ll play the part just so that people like us. We begin settling for likes instead of actually liking the people that we were made to be. If we’re not careful this outer striving for perception will begin to drive a wedge between how we show up and who we truly are.
We all know people that really value what other people think. I’m not talking about taking in feedback from close family and friends, I’m talking about the anonymous-over-there-I-don’t-even-really-know-you-that-well opinion. The push to mold ourselves for the sake of fitting-in or being well-liked by people that haven’t even earned the right to know our story.
Maybe you’re like that. It’s okay if that description fits you. Our DNA wants us to join groups of people for our basic survival. We want to form connections and live in harmony with other people. Just like in junior high we really don’t want to be that girl that just doesn’t fit in. I get it. The idea of not belonging is terrifying. If you’ve ever been on the outside of a group, you know that’s a sad place to be.
So we learn quickly to bend over backwards, walk the line, and do what we’re supposed to do. For the most part this type of thinking works so we get fooled into playing the game. For the end result of acceptance, we’ll go along with just about anything. To do something else would mean that we could risk losing our groups, maybe even our family, and we’d certainly increase the probability that people would have a negative perception of us.
The price of fitting-in seems worth it until we get to the point that we’ve lost touch with who we truly are inside. We have trouble waking up in the morning, we’re constantly irritated, and we feel stuck. Even after combing through our lives we can’t figure out why we feel so off balance. We spin out asking ourselves, “Is it my diet? Maybe I need to work out more? Should I take on more things?” NO. You’ve been hustling for other people’s perception of you. That’s why you’re so stinking tired. There’s nothing wrong with you.
Recently, I had a wise friend tell me, “Perception is everything.” She was trying to help me. I had been spinning my wheels in hopes that I could change certain people’s perception of me. I was explaining myself. I was highlighting evidence and offering reasons for my decisions. I was desperately railing against being misunderstood. This friend gently reminded me that I needed to “let go” of what other people thought. There will never be a victory in the hustle to make people see us differently. Their perception is informing every thought that passes through their mind. As soon as the behavior is witnessed we are categorized, labelled, and filed away.
The truth is that perception is king.
Hhhhmmmm…this may be so, but I have a feeling that there is more to this system. If perception is king then intuition is queen.
How does intuition play into this? Perception is run by the eyes and the brain. We have an experience and our brain tries to make sense of it as quickly as possible. Intuition, however, has more to do with the belly and the heart. Intuition often alerts the body and informs us of some truth even before the mind has time to catch up.
Have you ever been around someone that seemed a certain way, but something felt off? Like the woman who seems to have it all together, but when you’re with her you feel like something isn’t right? Perhaps it seems like something is missing or there’s a mismatch between her appearance and her energy? Yes, of course we can all think of someone who feels off balance even though the perception is the opposite.
Whereas perception judges on external appearance, intuition grounds its knowing on feeling. As humans we are so good at judging. We do it a thousand times a day and we’re often unaware that we’re even doing it. Intuition, though also automatic, gets much less weight than it should because we don’t trust our feelings as much as we trust our thoughts. Intuition is often thought of as a willy-nilly-all-feely process and we’re more likely to doubt it because it originates from a feeling. Perception seems like the sure bet because it’s sort of based on facts like how someone looks or what our previous experiences tell us.
To value our intuition, we need to learn to trust ourselves. In a world that likes to give us an opinion about what we should wear, how much money we should make, and who we should be with we often can’t even hear the inner voice that’s whispering to us. This quiet voice typically can’t compete with the world’s expectations of how our lives should look. We’re so busy hustling that our intuition gets pushed to the back corner of our minds.
But…what if we did things differently? What if we learned to trust ourselves instead of living our lives to please others? What would happen?
Trusting our own feelings when they’re unpopular is hard. Honoring our intuition when the rest of the world is telling us otherwise is excruciating. But when we consider the cost of shrinking ourselves to make other people happy, we realize that it’s not a good buy.
Sometimes our intuition will tell us to let go. Sometimes it will invite us to pay attention. Other times it will lead us to a whole new beginning. Intuition is like an outstretched hand inviting us into the unknown. The equation is: if I trust myself, I will find freedom.
When you invite both the king and queen into your decisions, the more likely you will be to make clear choices. Both systems run automatically, but now you can filter through them and weigh their truths. By trusting ourselves we are better able to determine how to make sense of the experiences we have. Instead of asking ourselves, “What will other people think?” We will begin to ask, “What feels true to me in this moment?” Having trust in ourselves will allow for us to feel grounded instead of flailing about in our hopes to fit-in. This foundation of trust will empower us to belong to the most important person in our lives: ourselves.
Trust yourself. Be free.
With Love & Backbone,
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Nice Girl Uprising, Jennifer Padilla-Burger