Let’s jump into a normal day in our lives. We’re doing one thing while thinking about another thing and scrolling through our social media accounts at the same time. Our attention is constantly being pulled in different directions. We’re sort of being dragged through our days in a way that makes everything seem like it needs urgent attention. Look at me right now, Mom! Answer that text immediately! Keep mulling over that weird conversation that you had yesterday. Do all the things NOW!
Yikes! I’m stressed out just by typing all of that out. If you’re feeling overwhelmed regularly stay with me here. We need to look at why we’re so stressed out.
Our culture has become quite immediate. Is your boss looking for you? She can get to you through a simple text and you can respond within minutes. Is your partner wanting to know where you’re at? They just locate you on Find My Friends and boom you’re close enough to the grocery store to grab a dinner ingredient. Is your friend upset? Well you better contact her like yesterday to sort it out. People need you to get with the program, Girl! So get on it or maybe don’t.
Busy has literally reprogrammed our brains. How many of you get a little jolt when your phone buzzes? I do. It’s like I have to see who messaged me…it could be important. What if it’s the kids’ school? Maybe it’s an important reminder. Maybe it’s just noise. I don’t know. What I do know is that my anxiety peaks until I set my eyes on my phone.
An article in the Washington Post by Brigid Schulte reads, “Somewhere around the end of the 20th century, busyness became not just a way of life but a badge of honor. And life, sociologists say, became an exhausting everydayathon. People now tell pollsters that they’re too busy to register to vote, too busy to date, to make friends outside the office, to take a vacation, to sleep, to have sex.” Oh geez, we’ve lost our joy.
We are social creatures so we’re often watching what everyone else is doing. When everyone else is running from thing to thing and scanning their phones during their downtime it seems normal. We’re now confusing relaxing and self-care with numbing out. When we reach for something outside of us to quiet our inner life then we’re numbing. We do this by overworking, drinking, online shopping, and checking-out through social media.
You might be thinking, “What’s the difference between numbing and self-care? I look forward to sipping my glass of wine while I check up on my Instagram friends.” Okay, maybe you do look forward to it. I wonder what your intention is around your routine? Are you looking to connect? Are you able to stay present with your own feelings and the events of your day? If that’s the case then maybe it could be a version of self-care. But I wonder if your thought is, “Today has been so hard! I can’t wait to pour that glass of wine and zone out. It’s my me-time.” If that’s the case then it’s probably numbing.
Self-care is the process of going inward to nurture yourself. It’s consciously slowing down to soothe our systems and acknowledge what’s happening in our lives. When I enter the world of “too busy” my self-care seems incredibly hard. Meditate for 10 minutes? Sure! (Then I open my eyes every minute to see if I’m done yet). Sit outside in silence? Great. (Followed by needing to look at my phone to check that thing or searching for a book or starting the laundry). Can you relate? Doing is the default. Being is both the sweet spot and the challenge.
Though my body sometimes resists slowing down, I always receive the greatest benefits when I fold into the practice. I can’t tell you how many times an amazing idea has come to me after a yoga class. I tend to write blog posts and record podcasts on days that I have no structured schedule to follow. Freedom in my day often leads to increased creativity and openness.
Not to mention that I’m softer and kinder when I slow down. Let’s face it, being busy is not our best look. Frazzled entries and departures, distracted conversations, and half-in relationships are not creating our best lives. Not even close.
So maybe you’re wondering how to get un-busy? Maybe you’ve slowed down and you don’t like the feelings that live there. Yes, it’s hard. But you don’t have to do it perfectly, Love. You can set your own pace in this process of slowing down.
Here are some ideas for you to try:
Put your phone to bed. Yes, seriously. Give it a bedtime. 9 p.m. lights out. We need time to let our brains prepare for beauty sleep.
Plan for 10 minutes of nothing. Hmmmhmmm. Nothing. Just you sitting and breathing. Notice what your eyes see. Listen with your ears. Do nothing but breathe. How do you feel?
When you’re driving see what it’s like to turn off the music/podcast and simply drive. Pay attention to where your mind goes and what starts to bubble up for you. Stay with it.
After dinner go outside and look around. What color is the sky? What is around you? Enjoy it.
Now I want to come to my final point: our relationships. How does busy affect our people? The other night I was trying to create a post for Nice Girl Uprising on Instagram. I wanted to get the words just right. It was sucking all of my attention. My daughter came along and she was all smiles. She wanted to sing songs to me that she had learned in school. I was totally listening while just doing ONE MORE THING on my phone. Ugh! I feel sad just writing that out, but it’s true. One of my very favorite people was trying to connect with me and I was distracted. I was too busy.
We can say it was just that one time, but the truth is that it happens more than we’d like to admit. We’re busy and we’re distracted. Connecting with other people is nearly impossible when we can’t be fully present. I sometimes wonder why we’re living our lives for the people way out there that we can’t see on social media and texts and phone calls. How did those people and activities win out over the very people in our own homes?
Life is already too short, Girls. A life well-lived is defined by memories with our favorite people. We remember the moments that require our attention and energy. If we’re only halfway-in all of the time then that is the legacy that we will leave. If I know you well enough at this point, I know that you want to be fully IN. We are women that want to be engaged with our people and to be mindful of our experiences. The good. The hard. The sweet moments. We want it all. Fully present, paying attention, and wholehearted. Set your phone down and move inward. Connect with your people. Pay attention. We’ve got this.
Jen Padilla-Burger helps perfectionists heal. She supports overfunctioning perfectionists with developing self-care practices, meditation, hypnosis, and self-compassion. Jen is a lover of coffee, plants, and podcasts.