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​The next layer of self-care is nurturance.  This layer takes us back to ourselves by following practices that feel good.  It’s preparing healthy or comforting foods.  It’s slowing down to light a candle and soak in the bath.  It could be buying yourself flowers simply to have beautiful things around you.  This type of self-care is soothing.  It reminds us that we’re loved and gives us the idea that we’re going to be okay.
 
The nurturance also translates to how we speak to ourselves.  When we’re hurrying we’re often harsh and impatient.  Our inner voice tends to follow that energy and all of a sudden we’re mean.  The expectations are high and our level of grace is low.  However, when we use the self-care of nurturance we’re slower with ourselves.  We soften our voices and trust that we’re doing the best we can.  We learn to believe there is enough time and that it’s all going to work out.
 
Now for the next layer:  rest.  There are two parts to rest, namely how much rest you’re getting and how much rest is built into your day.  Most of us need 7-8 hours of sleep.  When we get far less than that our weight, metabolism, health (diabetes, hypertension, mental health), and mortality are impacted.  When we don’t get enough rest it’s like walking around with our mask off.  If anything tips the scales we’re likely to pass out.  This is not good for us or our people.
 
Now consider how much rest is built into your day.  Are you rushing from thing to thing or do you have some pause built into your day?  When we’re zooming around our stress levels sky rocket.  For me, I start thinking, “There’s not enough time!  I have to hurry!”  Every thought has an exclamation point.  Everything must happen, “NOW!!!!!”  When I think in exclamation points I act with exclamation points (this isn’t pretty).  It’s like I’ve taken a deep breath and I’m waiting to burst.
 
However, when I build rest into my day I feel differently.  My schedule doesn’t change, but my perspective does.  Resting throughout the day for me looks like taking short walks, pausing to breathe, writing myself love notes, eating slowly.  Some of the activities might include active rest while others utilize stillness.  In your current schedule where might you build in some rest periods into your day?  As a bonus to you, here’s a short 7-minute meditation for you to practice.
 

​Sometimes we just can’t get into our groove.  Nothing sounds good.  We can’t get ourselves going.  More often than not we know what we’d like to be doing, but we just can’t seem to get there.  All of these should-be-doings add to the overwhelming heaviness.  We’re stuck.
 
Simple conversations can turn into an eye-rolling irritating mess.  Like are you seriously asking me where I want to eat at?  I need food…but I don’t want that…or that…and definitely not that.  Sheesh.
 
Normal tasks make you want to scream and write essays about using blinkers to turn and following state driving laws.  Every little thing makes you want to blow your car horn.  And your lid.
 
But really, why would any of these experiences upset you?  It’s probably a layer deeper (isn’t it always about something much bigger?).  In my experience this answer is always a big YES.

​​Step 1:  Examine your surroundings.
 
When we feel overwhelmed and we’re dragging our feet we need to examine our surroundings.  What exactly do you do from sun up to sun down?  Close your eyes and visualize a typical day from the moment you rouse yourself from your beauty sleep to when you go back to sleep that night.  Think about the places you go.  Who do you see?  How does each environment feel?
 
Step 2:  Look at your insides.
 
When you visualized your day did you notice any bodily sensations or emotions?  For example, if you pictured yourself driving to work did you notice that your jaw was clenched and your stomach felt tight?  When you arrived home and noticed the clutter in your living room did your shoulders become tense and your mood become irritable?  Close your eyes and walk through your day again.  Pay special attention to how your body responds to each experience.  Consider the various emotions that you feel throughout the day.  Are any of these emotions heavy?  Are they contributing to you feeling stuck?
 
Step 3:  Pay attention.
 
Now in your real day-to-day life give yourself permission to stay present.  Instead of silencing your feelings or engaging in distracting activities, allow yourself to notice your experiences.  Good indicators that this is a challenging practice:  you find yourself reaching for your phone, you reach out to connect by gossiping, you gulp down coffee or wine as a must-do activity.  Not all of these things are bad (most are them are normal activities that most of us do).  However, they get in our way when they keep us from paying attention to what’s really going on.  They’re activities that help us shush our internal discomfort.  Rather than feel what is happening, we often reach for activities or substances that mute our feelings. 

​Paying attention is the hard part, but this practice is often the very thing that will point us home again.  Instead of asking ourselves, “Gosh, what is wrong with me?”  We start saying, “Wow, when I’m around this person I feel threatened which makes me feel nervous.  I notice that my body wants to shrink and my stomach hurts.  When I get home, I’m so tense that I start snapping at the people I love.”  We’re moving from going-through-the-motions to self-awareness.
 
Step 4:  Remove the bad vibes from your life.
 
Okay, so you’ve ran through your typical day and started noticing how certain experiences make you feel.  That information is gold on your journey to getting yourself unstuck.  As a little girl I can remember telling my dad, “Hey, it hurts when I do this (in which I demonstrated twisting my hand at an awkward angle).”  My dad’s sage advice?  “Then don’t do that.”  Hahaha!  Such simple advice, but it’s exactly how we design a life that feels good.  If you have people in your life that don’t make you feel good, then learn to minimize your time with them.  Say no to invitations and gracefully exit out of conversations with them.  If you have to be around this person due to work or family structure, find ways to protect yourself.  Don’t engage in questioning that stresses you out and set some clear boundaries around your time and space.  Imagine that these bad vibes are sticky.  If you don’t protect yourself you’ll carry the stickiness with you and likely get it on other people.  The stickier you are the more stuck you’ll feel.  Cut the bad vibes out!
 
Step 5:  Do what you love.
 
My guess if that if you’re feeling stuck you probably aren’t doing things in your day that you love.  When we stop doing simple things that remind us of who we are we begin to feel disconnected.  This sense of disconnection can often be felt within our relationships, our jobs, and our daily rhythms.  It often grows until we feel stuck.  This experience makes it impossible to move forward, because we don’t know which direction to go.  So if you’re at this particular place of stuck then take an assessment of your self-care.  What things make you feel good?  What do you love to do?  These activities can be as simple as exercising, making nourishing food, or calling a good friend.  Blend these self-care activities into your daily routine.  Re-connect to YOU so that you can get back into alignment with yourself.

​Alignment brings clarity, creativity, and direction.   Outside influence has a great impact on our outlook.  When we go to places that feel good and interact with people that are positive, we often absorb this energy.  Inner self-work or self-care can shift our whole perspective about our experiences.  By engaging in daily self-care we feel connected and centered.  A feel good outer experience paired with a loving inner experience often leads to a sense of flow.  When the inner world meets the outer world in a synchronized way we enter alignment.  Being in alignment will directly influence how we show up in our relationships, with our friends, and our work.
 
When we learn to pay attention, we are better able to notice what pulls us out of alignment.  Is it that person in your social media feed?  Unfollow.  Is it the negative person at carpool pick-up?  Engage someone else in conversation and keep it light.  When you tune-in to your intuition you will be able to discern whether something is for you or whether you need to keep on going.  Paying attention is the best getting unstuck tool you have.  Use it again and again like a muscle that will build up and protect you from getting stuck in the future. 
 
You have all of the tools already within you.  Listen to your body and heart.  Together they’ll aim to keep you aligned with your true purpose.
 
With Love & Backbone,
 
Jen

Here’s another blog post about perfectionism that you may want to read:  The Path Home From Perfect:  Letting "Busy" Go In Order to Return to Myself
 
Are you ready to join the Nice Girl Uprising Tribe?  Sign-up to watch this 5-minute video about How to Say NO Without Being Mean
 

I am just trying to do everything and I want to do it all perfectly.  ​

This means my plate is often too full.  When people ask me how I’ve been, I’ll likely use the word “busy” as a response.  "Busy" seems like an answer that captures the endless to-do lists, the places to be, and the many people that need attending to.  It's the answer that shows how I give and give and give until even the snooze button can't rouse me out of the fog that has surrounded my inner life.  Suddenly I’m so exhausted that I can't get out of bed in the morning.  I am, in fact, perfectly tired.


I wrote these words above about a year ago.  Seeing the words on the page showed me that I was in the big race to be "good enough".  (This is a race that no one actually signs up for on purpose, by the way).  Your non-friendly coach is shame who yells at you from the sidelines about your failings, making fun of your audacity to try, and reminding you about your deep fear of not belonging.  This race will not deliver you to the life you want at the finish line.  This race will run you right into a wall.

Our culture feeds us messages about how we should look, the things we should have, and ultimately how we should feel about the lives we have built.  The expectations are so high.  The message is to do everything, be good at all of it, and don't let your guard down because you're FINE.  But what if you look around at the life you have created and see that it looks good on the outside, but it doesn't feel so good on the inside?  

This idea of being FINE is a warning call.  It's your way of knowing that despite all appearances, you are out of balance.  You're truly not okay. You are depleted.  Spent.  Done.

A life packed with image and business can lead to aching dissatisfaction.  When we jam our lives so full that there is no longer room for creativity, self-care, and space we undoubtedly will suffer.  So how do we get back to center? How do we undo what we have built so that we can return to ourselves and begin again?

This is where our journey starts.  Together we will look inward to decide how to show up in this world with our whole hearts.  Navigating how to be both soft and fierce at the same time. Stop watches and unattainable to-do lists have no place here.  We now look inward for direction and guidance.  We choose our own way.

My new way has been to move slower.  Pausing regularly to get clear about my intentions and carefully choosing how to spend my time.  This has meant that I've had to learn to say NO to many things.  Though my desire to people please is still present, the process of choosing myself again and again has been rewarding.  It's deepened my relationships and reinforced my work life.  The connection to myself opens space for everything else in my heart.  I'm learning that busy doesn't feel like love (it never has), it feels like tension. 
 
The path home has been a re-introduction to myself.  I'm reflecting on who I have become or perhaps who I've always been before "busy" got a hold of me.  There is no more perfect.  In its place there is a well worn path back home to myself.  I'm settling in and rising up all at the same time.  I hope that you'll join me in this movement.  Truly, it feels like home.
 
For a Free 5-minute video, click this link:  How to Say NO Without Being Mean
​How to Say NO Without Being Mean